It doesn't feel real to me that it's been a year since my mom passed away. I am very task-oriented, quite heavy on to-do lists, constant review and evaluation of what I have completed. Looking back over the past year, though, I just feel defeated. Lost. I slid backwards in so many ways, a spiraling freefall, and I just couldn't stop myself.
My husband told me I am doing a good job. I almost laughed. I told him, "I haven't accomplished anything at all this past year." He just looked at me and said, "You're still here, aren't you?"
And maybe that is the best I should realistically expect after such a deep wound. Yes, I'm still here. I'm still standing. I made it through 365 days, went to work, paid bills, cried, and slowly found my way back to smiling and laughing. It was exhausting and agonizing and heartbreaking. But I pushed on to face another day, one day at a time. Maybe that is a lot in itself.
But it can't be enough for another year. This past year was about stopping the bleeding, picking myself back up, finding my balance again every time I fell back down. But this year needs to be about moving forward: healing, stepping forward, spreading my wings again.
I want to be honest here, and open and free about how I feel. But I do not want to be depressing and discouraging, if I can help it. I don't want to get lost in sadness and loss. I want to focus on hope. Love. Growth. Appreciation. I want to live even harder to honor my mom. I want to make sure my loved ones know exactly how I feel, with no doubts. I want to learn from days past and never take another day for granted.
Talking to a friend recently, I told her that I want to view the anniversary of my mom's death as not just a devastating reminder of a massive loss. I want to approach it almost like a new year holiday, a time to reflect, sure, but also a time to look ahead. Plan. Improve. In one more year, when I look back over this year, what do I want to see? What do I need to set in motion now to make sure I gift myself something to smile about in 365 more days?
It's not easy. And time does heal but it takes just that, time. I know when my mom died I found that each subsequent year following, my memories of her became more about the happy times rather than her sickness and suffering which helped me want to live like her. One day at a time, one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteSometimes just surviving is the most important part of our journey especially one through such deep grief and loss.
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