It doesn't feel real to me that it's been a year since my mom passed away. I am very task-oriented, quite heavy on to-do lists, constant review and evaluation of what I have completed. Looking back over the past year, though, I just feel defeated. Lost. I slid backwards in so many ways, a spiraling freefall, and I just couldn't stop myself.
My husband told me I am doing a good job. I almost laughed. I told him, "I haven't accomplished anything at all this past year." He just looked at me and said, "You're still here, aren't you?"
And maybe that is the best I should realistically expect after such a deep wound. Yes, I'm still here. I'm still standing. I made it through 365 days, went to work, paid bills, cried, and slowly found my way back to smiling and laughing. It was exhausting and agonizing and heartbreaking. But I pushed on to face another day, one day at a time. Maybe that is a lot in itself.
But it can't be enough for another year. This past year was about stopping the bleeding, picking myself back up, finding my balance again every time I fell back down. But this year needs to be about moving forward: healing, stepping forward, spreading my wings again.
I want to be honest here, and open and free about how I feel. But I do not want to be depressing and discouraging, if I can help it. I don't want to get lost in sadness and loss. I want to focus on hope. Love. Growth. Appreciation. I want to live even harder to honor my mom. I want to make sure my loved ones know exactly how I feel, with no doubts. I want to learn from days past and never take another day for granted.
Talking to a friend recently, I told her that I want to view the anniversary of my mom's death as not just a devastating reminder of a massive loss. I want to approach it almost like a new year holiday, a time to reflect, sure, but also a time to look ahead. Plan. Improve. In one more year, when I look back over this year, what do I want to see? What do I need to set in motion now to make sure I gift myself something to smile about in 365 more days?